95th birthday party up in smoke
By Gabriel Gabriel
They had a carrot cake for her birthday cake. On it were 95 candles. With help, McCullough blew them all out. And that created a big cloud of smoke. Eddi Carlin, one of the guests said, “There wasn't an inch to spare. By the time we had them all lit, it looked like a torch."
Carlin also said, "We had just sat down to eat when we saw them in the doorway." Referring to the 24 firefighters who showed up without warning apparently the soke form the blown-out candles set off a smoke alarm. As a result, five engines and two ladder companies arrived.
Fire Chief Lonnie Lamb says, "In my 23 years on the job, I've seen a lot of thing set off a fire alarm, but I don't think I've ever heard of one going off because of a birthday cake."
Despite the uninvited guests McCullough did not seemed to be disturbed by the intrusion. She embraced it and turned it into an opportunity to have her photo taken with
1 comment:
Your lead is a fragment, not a complete sentence. It also isn't very interesting. I'd get to the "unexpected guests" part earlier.
Then in P2 you start by telling me about the cake and candles -- boring!
Instead, you might want to make the transition to narrative/chronological storytelling (see the "martini glass" story structure on p. 48 of your text) by saying something like:
It all started with the 95 candles on McCullough's birthday cake. According to one of the guests, Eddi Carlin, “There wasn't an inch to spare. By the time we had them all lit, it looked like a torch."
When McCullough blew them all out, it created a big cloud of smoke. And that apparently set off a smoke alarm.
Good use of the fire chief's quote, but keep it past tense (said - like in the earlier quote).
7.5/10
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